


Perfectly Happy

by IamNameless



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: - in the past, Alternate Universe, Bigender, Eating Disorders, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-27
Updated: 2015-05-27
Packaged: 2018-04-01 13:19:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,990
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4021315
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IamNameless/pseuds/IamNameless
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Louis is still trying to fight his demons and Harry seems to be the light he needs. It turns out Harry has a few secrets of his own.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Perfectly Happy

**Author's Note:**

> I can’t believe I am finally posting something of my own!!!  
> I have been reading fanfictions since... forever and to finally have the courage to post something is (a bit) overwhelming!  
> So I’d like to start by saying thanks to [1dexchangeforall](http://1dexchangeforall.tumblr.com) for giving me this amazing opportunity!  
>  **daddyminaj** , I loved all of your prompts and it was extremely hard to decide which one I want to write! I really hope the story does not disappoint you as I tried to do my best! Please let me know what you think!  
> Many many thank you’s to [Jane](http://slightly.tumblr.com) and [Susa](http://disneyprincestyles.tumblr.com)! I don’t think I would have ever gotten to the point of finishing this if it weren’t for you!  
> [Bailey](http://happyharryland.tumblr.com/) \- you were the loveliest beta I could have wished for!  
> Also, the ideas for the interior of [the](http://haz-styles.tumblr.com/post/116567808578/can-you-suggest-what-colors-should-be-harrys) [rooms](http://haz-styles.tumblr.com/post/116580091713/can-you-do-the-bedroom-too-please-only-if-you) and all that goes to Fanny (I changed a few things as you can see but the credit goes to her!)
> 
>  **Warnings:** past eating disorder (it is only mentioned in one paragraph that starts and ends with *), bigender main character (I feel like I ought to point that one out)
> 
>  **Disclaimer:** Pure fanfiction.
> 
> This whole story is a big mess, sorry. ♥

Louis was halfway into a rubbish bin the first time he met Harry. Someone cleared their throat and Louis lifted his head to seek out the source of the noise.  
  
“Erm, I just wanted to throw this,” a boy said, lifting up the small paper bag he held in his right hand.  
  
“Yeah, I’m not-” Louis chuckled nervously as he pulled his hands out of the bin. “I don’t usually erm... I just dropped something, yeah? I wasn’t like... doing anything else.” The boy laughed quietly and, _God_ , Louis thought, _he’s so beautiful_.  
  
“I’m Harry.”  
  
\------  
  
Thirteen-year-old Harry was... confused, you could say. He was a teenager, so the feeling of confusion was normal, or so he told himself. But still, something inside of him just didn’t feel right. Sometimes, this feeling made him believe he was freakish. Then, after years and years of confusion he finally understood that there was a word for who he was, but it took him years to get the courage to say it out loud and to actually identify with it. He understood that there was nothing wrong with how he was feeling - nothing freakish - but that didn’t make him feel any better – he still hid it, never telling anybody. He liked to think that he was proud of who he was, that there was nothing he had to be ashamed of - and it was true, everyone was different - he knew that - but there was still a tiny voice in his head telling him that he had to keep it a secret. Harry had, of course, talked about it with plenty of people on the internet, and although he never quite revealed who he was, it was still comforting to know that there were people who knew his struggles and were willing to listen and offer their support.  
  
When Harry was seventeen he finally said the word out loud. He might have stood in front of the mirror for a good hour, but eventually he looked at his reflection and finally said it. He felt relief, and he finally felt as if he had found himself after all these years of confusion and denying.  
  
\------  
  
Louis never quite liked going grocery shopping. When he thought about it he couldn’t find a reason why he didn’t like it - there wasn’t any traumatic experience in his life or anything like that. He loved shopping for clothes, but he just simply didn’t like going grocery shopping. He thought it was quite a waste of time - of course, he needed fruits and vegetables, but still, it required thinking about what he’d have to buy, making a list, going to the shop, spending god knows how much time trying to choose from different brands and then waiting in the never ending line just to be served by an angry woman whose only desire was to go home and watch her TV show. Well, maybe it was a bit understandable when he thought about it. But apart from that, Louis considered himself a normal person.  
  
\------  
  
Harry and Louis had known each other for two weeks when Louis finally asked Harry out. He had been so nervous that day, his hands shaking and his voice trembling. When he finally got the words out of his mouth Harry had smiled so wide that Louis felt stupid for even feeling anxious.  
  
Their first date was on a Friday that happened to also be the 13th of May. Not that Louis was superstitious, but he may have spent a whole day wondering whether he should call Harry to postpone the date. Five times he had picked the phone, ready to call him, but every time the idea that he would have to wait another whole week to see Harry (Harry had said that he couldn’t any other day that week) made him tell himself that it didn’t really matter. Apart from that, Louis spent the Friday itself both excited and scared to death about the date. After the third outfit change it was time for him to pick Harry, so he had no other choice but to take a few deep breaths (around five or ten), say ‘You can do it’ to himself in the mirror, (twice) before he was finally ready.  
  
Harry appeared to be in the same state as Louis, constantly folding his hands and tripping over nothing. It made Louis see him in a different light, as he had always seemed confident. But Louis knew better than to judge people on how they acted. The date itself was both wonderful and awkward, as any other first date should be. There were times where they both didn’t know what to say as well as times when they just couldn’t shut up. In the end, Louis had taken Harry to his house and, after ten minutes of awkward silence in front of the door, he had left with a little wave and a smile. There was no kiss.  
  
Louis had kicked himself when he had gotten home, not believing what a coward he had been for not kissing the beautiful boy. Harry, as it turned out, had taken the lack of kissing as a bad sign, and for the next couple of day the only reply he had given Louis’ texts were smiley faces and a few ‘haha’s. That had made Louis drive to Harry’s work, and after half an hour of arguing he finally got Harry to tell him what was wrong.  
  
“I know how dates work, Louis,” Harry had finally sighed. “I just though that the date went well, and then you didn’t kiss me so I thought, you know, you didn’t like me.”  
  
“No-no, Haz, the date was- it was, jeez, it was amazing.”  
  
“Then why didn’t you kiss me?” Harry had asked, and Louis felt a strike of guilt that he had caused him pain, because, God, Harry didn’t deserve that.  
  
“Because I was scared,” Louis said softly. “I still am.”  
  
And that’s how it started. They didn’t kiss then, choosing to leave it for another moment. (“When it will feel right” Louis had said, “for both of us”). Instead, they hugged each other tight, promising to give it a try.  
  
\------  
  
Louis opened the windrow widely, the cold morning air making it easier for him to breath. Even after taking ten deep breaths, just as the therapist had advised him a long time ago, he could still feel his heart beating fast, the ground under his feet feeling unsteady. He finally opened his eyes, blinking rapidly, trying to stop his tears.  
  
“C’mon Louis, calm down, calm down,” he mumbled to himself. “You know what they say, facing your fears is the greatest accomplishment. Everything will be fine.” Of course everything was very much not fine and Louis knew that, but after years of therapy he had finally understood that the only one who could control his thoughts was himself. He could stop all these feelings from swallowing him up, and he could make the voices in his head stay quiet, only if he put in some effort. He could control it.  
Eventually, his breathing became normal again and even thought his head was still a mess, he felt better.  
  
\------  
  
“Do you want to meet my parents?” Harry had asked one day with a slight blush on his cheeks. Louis had only been able to stare at him, his mind going completely blank. What was he supposed to say? “Not like, you don’t have to, don’t feel like you have to because you don’t, I just thought that maybe- you know- maybe you could meet and- ” Harry stuttered, toying with the sleeve of his cream-coloured shirt. “Like, they’re going to be in town, like next month?” He glanced at Louis as if asking for assurance that the date was right, “And I thought that you might wanna meet them, like if you want.” His gaze was fixed somewhere to the right of Louis, as if something in that direction was the most interesting thing to inspect.  
  
“I don’t know - I mean - are you sure?” Louis wondered when he had finally found his voice.  
  
“Yes, of course, you _are_ my friend and all that,” the younger boy was blushing again, silently cursing himself for even thinking about asking.  
  
“Then, I guess I’m meeting your parents.”  
  
Harry finally looked up, “Yeah?”  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
\------  
  
The first time Harry invited Louis to his flat he seemed strangely nervous. Louis thought he could understand that - after all, your home was kind of representing your identity… or something like that (he had heard people say it).  
He had never really spent any time picturing what it would look like (who even does that?) so he had no real expectations of it. And yet, Harry was weird himself - good weird, that is - so maybe his flat was something like that as well. Louis accepted the offer right away and so this ever-important event was scheduled for the upcoming Wednesday at five pm sharp, as Harry had claimed to need at least three days to make his flat presentable.  
When the day came, Louis found himself more anxious than usual. It wasn’t even his flat - he was visiting someone’s home, Harry’s home – so why was he so worried? The thing was that Louis didn’t know how to act when outside his comfort zone. Since he was little there was always this fear inside of him, this terrifying feeling whenever he was in a situation where he didn’t know what was to do and what not to do – should he take his shoes off, where should he sit, what could he touch, what compliment should he say? It was such a stressful experience that he wondered why he had even agreed.  
But after all it was Harry who he was visiting, his Harry - his best friend who he had spent every day talking to since they met - so there was no need to feel anxious, Louis told himself. Everything was going to be okay.  
  
And so he knocked on the door. The answer come almost immediately - “Just a second!” in Harry’s voice, (Louis may or may not have smiled at the door), and after a few seconds he appeared in front of him - black shirt and skinny jeans, curls the usual mess and a wide grind that made Louis feel a little dizzy. Suddenly, all of the tension Louis felt disappeared - not even a trace left, he smiled back just as enthusiastic.  
  
“Hi.”  
  
After looking around the flat, Louis realised that it did indeed represented Harry’s personality. The space was very clean, most of the furniture simple but with little details that just ‘screamed Harry’. The living room was quite spacious with a grey and white fluffy carpet in the middle. There was a big sofa with a few pillows in different shades of purple, and a small oak table in front of it. The room was bright thanks to a big window with soft white curtains. Other than that there were a couple of plants, candles, and other decorative things on every piece of furniture. But Louis thought that the bedroom represented his boy the most. This time the colour scheme seemed to be blue, as one wall was painted in dark blue, the other white. A king sized bed with a white comforter and an armchair of the same color, and there were many more pillows, blue ones, on the bed and armchair. The room looked beautiful, soft light coming from the open window that had white billowy curtains drawn back and to the sides. When Louis had expressed how incredible everything looked, Harry had ducked his head down, blushing furiously.  
  
\------  
  
“You are so beautiful,” Louis had whispered one night when they were lying in Harry’s bed. “Sometimes I look at you and I can’t believe that it’s possible for someone to be as gorgeous as you.” The room was dark so he could not see the boy’s face but he felt a light kiss on his forearm. “I often think about the first time I saw you,” he chuckled a bit, memories floating back, “You wore that shirt with the flamingos that you love so much and you looked so stunning under the shining sun. Immediately I thought, ” he paused for a bit, his finger running through Harry’s curls. “I want to hold him, I want to kiss him and protect him and I want to make him mine. And I want to spend all of my night spooning with him and I want to wake up to his gorgeous eyes. I want to run my hand through his hair while trailing kisses down his neck and I want to hear every story he has to tell, laugh at every joke he knows and wipe away every tear that ever dares to slip from his eyes.” Suddenly Harry jerked forward, lips connecting with Louis’, desperately trying to say ‘I want that too.’  
  
\------  
  
They had soon gotten into a routine. Every morning, except Wednesday, they would meet at Marlee’s cafe at exactly 7:10 and they would find a table and chat until around eight. Then they would head to their work - Harry at the kindergarten and Louis at the school, texting each other throughout the day until they would meet again at seven pm at Harry’s where they would enjoy whatever Harry would cook. Then things went one of two ways - sometimes Louis would stay and they would spend the night cuddling in the king sized bed, or he would go home and sleep in his own bedroom dreaming of green eyes and curly hair.  
  
Today was one of these days, a Friday to be exact, and Louis was having more trouble falling asleep than usual. They had separated that night because Harry was going away to see his sister for the weekend, and since he had to wake up early in the morning Louis preferred to go home so he could sleep in. The only problem was that Louis just couldn’t fall asleep, turning and tossing in his bed. It used to be a regular thing for him, these sleepless nights, but since he had started staying with Harry they had gone away. Well, at least that was what he thought for the most part.  
  
Groaning, Louis reached for his phone, checking the time. The screen was too bright for his eyes but his eyes adjusted after a moment; 2am. Great. There was no point in trying to sleep since it seemed as if it was just not going to happen, so he got into the kitchen to make himself something to drink. He was usually against it, the middle of the night was not a time to be awake in the kitchen, but he could make an exception; his healthy diet wasn’t going away just because of one cup of hot chocolate at an inappropriate time of night. While he was waiting for the water to boil, he decided that it might be a good idea to do some work since he was awake anyway. He had to change some of the script for the school’s play because the last rehearsal they had done seemed somehow incomplete and he wanted to see if he could adjust the lines. He found his bag, and while trying to find the right sheets he needed something caught his eye. Opening the small piece of paper, he read.  
  
_When I'm losing my control, the city spins around_  
_You're the only one who knows, you slow it down._  
  
\------  
  
It quickly became a habit of Louis to check his phone every five minutes. He knew his phone would beep if a certain boy had messaged him but he just could not help himself, his hand automatically going to his phone every time he thought of him. And this time it was the same, getting out of the shower, the first thing Louis did was check his phone. He had no new messages since the last one he had sent about an hour ago.  
  
**I’m back :)**  
_how long do you shower, it’s been like forever_  
**what, you missed me that much? ;)**  
_haha_  
**hey i was serious, for a moment i was worried i’d hurt your feelings**  
_of course you haven’t boo, I know you would never leave me_  
**you are the worst :/**  
_i know ;)_  
**why do i keep putting up with you?**  
_because no one else is willing to put up with your shit_  
**.... true**  
_hey, wanna hear a joke?_  
**no**  
_knock knock_  
**....who is it?**  
  
\------  
  
When Louis was nineteen he thought he had finally found his true soul mate. It was a boy around his age named Fillip and he was the fittest guy Louis had ever seen. He had dark hair and green eyes - something that was quite Louis’ type. They had met at a party and after a month they started dating. In the beginning everything was perfect - or so Louis had thought - they spent most of the day together, either shagging or snogging and they talked sometimes too. When they hit their sixth anniversary, Louis finally said those three important words and Fillip had replied with “Great”. That had set Louis off. But maybe he just wasn’t ready, maybe he was just scared – Louis had repeated that to himself every day. In the end, after another four months of waiting, the reply never came, and after finally taking the courage to ask what was the problem, Louis got an answer.  
  
“You’re just fun to play with. I don’t, like, feel anything for you.”  
  
Louis had cried and cried, shutting himself in his bedroom, not talking to anyone. Then one day he woke up and looked in the mirror - eyes empty, hair a mess - and he had said to himself, “I can do better.”  
  
And Louis did deserve better.  
  
\------  
  
One night Louis woke up to someone screaming. At first he was confused, wondering what was going on until he realised that it was him. He was the one screaming.  
He could not remember why, not even a glimpse of what the nightmare was about - just feelings. Horrible feelings that terrified the shit out of him. How could he live with the gut wrenching pain or the never ending emptiness in his stomach when he didn’t know what caused it? He couldn’t explain it, how he had no idea what he had dreamt but how he could still feel the aftermath of it. To say that he was terrified was an understatement.  
  
\------

“I think it is time I tell you something,” Harry had whispered nervously.  
He had been acting strange for some time now, and Louis could tell something was off the moment they met for breakfast that morning. It was a sunny Saturday, so they had decided to spend the day in the park enjoying the nice weather as it wasn’t usually so warm. Somewhere between the jokes and the laughing, they had joined hands and Louis couldn’t remember ever feeling happier.  
  
The two boys had just entered Harry’s flat and went to sit on the sofa. “Yeah?” Louis squeezed Harry’s hand hoping to reassure him that whatever it was, he was going to be completely supportive “What is it?” He tried to meet his eyes but Harry’s gaze was fixed on their hands.  
  
“Um so you know how I told you that you know my biggest secret?” Louis nodded his head, but remembering the boy wasn’t actually looking at him he squeezed his hand once again. “Yeah? So that wasn’t actually true,” Harry cleared his throat as if whatever he was trying to say didn’t want to come out, “I didn’t, like, lie to you, it wasn’t - I wasn’t like, lying on purpose or anything, it was just that-” He couldn’t seem to stop stuttering, his voice sounding more and more freaked out with every word he said.  
  
“Hey, hey,” Louis said softly, reaching with his other hand to stroke Harry’s cheek. “Look at me, calm down.” He took a few deep breaths, prompting the younger boy to do the same. “Now why don’t you just tell me what’s bothering you, eh? I promise I’m not mad.” He smiled a little, hoping that it would erase a little bit of the tension.  
  
“Yeah, I’ll – yeah, I’ll tell you.” Harry closed his eyes and took a shaky breath. “You know how I have this room, yeah? The one that’s always locked?” The question seemed to be rhetorical so Louis stayed quiet. “And I told you how there were just a lot of memories there that I didn’t want to face, and that is still quite true, I suppose; there are things that I don’t want the world to know but it’s - it’s for a different reason.” His voice had gone so quiet, a whisper barely recognizable in the otherwise completely silent room. Louis’ head was full of questions and he wanted to ask all of them but from the time he had known Harry he knew that the boy needed Louis to be patient in order for him to explain whatever was going on.  
  
After a bit of silence, Louis began to worry that Harry might be expecting him to say something, but he found had no words and could not form any kind of sentence. Then the boy finally opened his eyes - they were glossy and filled with so much fear that Louis almost felt like crying. What was it that had gotten the usually so cheerful and happy boy this frightened? Harry opened his mouth to say something but his throat was dry, his mind screaming for him to just run and to not tell anybody. But he knew that it was time for Louis to know, and it was time for him to open up, to let somebody see. Louis was special; he wasn’t going to laugh or make fun of him - Louis cared and he deserved to know.  
  
Harry took a deep breath. “I’ll show you what’s in the room.” He could have done it better, he should have probably explained first, but the words were stuck in his throat and he was afraid that if he tried to say something all that would come out would be a choked sob. So he got up and headed to the room.  
  
Louis trailed behind him, the tension in the room suddenly too much for him to bear. He couldn’t escape now. Harry was going to tell him something important, reveal a part of him that probably no one else had seen, and he had to be strong, had to show how much he cared.  
  
\------  
  
The first glimpse of the room that Louis saw was a light yellow wall. Then Harry opened the door fully and stepped in, inviting Louis to do the same. It took him a minute to collect himself and his breathing, and he finally looked around. The whole room was painted in pale yellow, the lights above dim, but it was easy to see inside. There was a big white sofa and in front of it was a dark oak coffee table with fresh flowers on it. A soft, round, yellow carpet was covering most of the floor. On the other side there was a vanity with a big mirror. The wooden part, as well as the handles, was white, but the frame of the mirror was solid and looked as if it was golden. There weren’t many drawers - maybe only three or four, but the surface of the desk was covered in different kinds of beauty products, as well as a few plastic makeup organizers. Next to the vanity was another closed door.  
  
Louis turned to Harry, who was leaning on the door frame, biting his lip and staring at the floor. “What is this?” Louis’ voice was barely a whisper and for a moment he wondered whether the other boy had heard him. He got no immediate reply from Harry but it was evident he had not missed the quiet words. “Do you have like, a secret sibling or something?”  
  
“No, this is um,” Harry cleared his throat, “This is my room.” He still refused to look anywhere else but ahead, at a spot on the wooden floor.  
  
“Your room?” Louis questioned again.  
  
“Yes, this is my room.” The boy repeated.  
  
“I don’t- Haz-” He finally lifted his head, eyes meeting Louis’. “Would you please explain what all of this is?”  
  
\------  
  
Louis pulled Harry close to him, every part of their bodies touching, and he breathed in the scent of his hair. “Nothing will ever change the way I feel about you, you know that, right?” he asked quietly, not really waiting for an answer. “Not one single thing of what you told me today has made me feel anything less towards you - quite the opposite if I’m honest. You know how I feel, right? Well, it hasn’t changed. I still like you as much as I did - if not more - and I am so thankful that you trust me enough to share this secret with me. I know it must be very hard for you so I really want you to know that, yeah?”  
  
This time Louis paused for a bit and squeezed Harry’s right hand before he continued. “I can’t tell you that I know how you feel - because I don’t, and I never will - but I promise to try to understand as much as I can. I promise to be there for you and hold you every time you need it, as long as you want me. Because every day I find new things about you that make me fall for you even more. You are such an incredible person and you are just so, so beautiful inside and out that sometimes it overwhelms me. That being said, your being bigender just makes me fall even harder.”  
  
\------

Every day they spend together is completely different. Some days they like to spend the evening cuddling in Harry’s bed and some nights they go clubbing until the early hours. The precious thing is that most of the time they know just what to do to fit the other person’s mood. If Louis is feeling under the weather, Harry knows just how to make the perfect tea and which movie to put on in order to make the boy feel better. And same goes for Louis; he’s learned just the right way to hold Harry when he’s homesick more than usual.  
  
Despite all the effort they put in, as well as the compromises they make, there are still times when things just don’t go right. Louis knows he has a problem with trusting people and even though for the most part he tries to overcome these issues, there are times when his insecurities get the best of him.  
  
“If you want to end it why don’t you just say so? Why do you have to do it like this?” He knows his voice is giving away all the pain he is trying to hide at the moment but no matter how hard he tries, he just can’t get it under control.  
  
“For fuck’s sake, Lou! I am going to say this one more time.” Harry’s voice is as loud as usual but Louis can feel all the anger it holds and it makes him want to run away and hide. “I was just being nice.” He looks straight into Louis’ eyes, his gaze showing just how serious he is. “I don’t want to kiss him, nor do I want to sleep with him. I don’t know what goes on in your head but it seems like you’re just trying to make excuses to break what we have.” Louis feels the word spin around him,  
“No, no, Harry-”  
  
“Don’t.” Harry holds his hands up in surrender. “Don’t lie to me, please. Just don’t. I can handle almost anything else, but not you lying to my face.” His expression is blank and this is the mask Louis is most terrified of. He knows what it means - Harry feels like he should hide, has put his guard up again but Louis can still feel the pain radiating from him.  
  
“I don’t want to break up.” Louis hears himself say but his head is a whole mess of thoughts and he can’t concentrate enough to form anything else. Harry sighs and opens his arms, beckoning him to come closer. Louis steps into his embrace and buries his head in Harry’s chest. “I’m sorry.” Louis whispers pathetically.  
  
Harry places a soft kiss on Louis’ temple, “I’m sorry too. Can you please tell me what’s going on?” Louis’ hands tighten around him.  
  
“I just don’t want to lose you.” He confesses after a moment of silence.  
  
“You will never lose me, Lou. I’ll be always right here.”  
  
And somehow they just complete each other and that’s all that matters.  
  
\------

“What’s this?” Harry asks the moment he sees the little orange bag Louis is holding. Louis smiles shyly, lifting the bag a little.

  
“It’s a present.”  
  
“For me?” Harry’s smile only brightens, his eyes sparkling. _I love you_ , Louis thinks.  
  
“Yeah,” Louis whispers, handing the bag to the grinning boy. He watches as Harry takes his time to open it and as he pulls out all of the soft pink wrapping paper inside. Then a frown takes over his smile and Louis feels his throat tighten. Harry lifts his head, his eyes searching for Louis’. There’s still a frown on his face but his eyes are simply full of confusion.  
  
“What is this?”  
  
“I just thought you might like them,” Louis starts, panic settling inside of him, “You don’t have to accept them or anything, I was just window shopping and I saw them and immediately thought of you so I went inside to buy them, you really don’t have to wear them if you don’t like them.” He feels breathless, the pain in his chest only getting stronger - he can feel the oxygen entering his lungs with every breath he takes, and it doesn’t seem like enough at the moment, not fucking enough and he just fucked up as everything was going so well, and God, Louis just can’t _breathe_.  
  
“It’s- Lou look at me,” Harry’s voice is soft as he takes Louis’ hand in his. “I really don’t mind you buying me things like this, okay?” His eyes are searching Louis’, his gaze so intense that Louis feels small. “I was- am just surprised. I’m so used to hiding this and you just took me in with open arms and- it’s just kinda hard to comprehend.” His fingers still tangled with Louis’, he squeezes his hand. Then Harry goes into the other room and Louis just breathes for a few minutes, trying to clear his head. He hates, hates times like these when he can’t control his own emotions, even over something so ridiculous. He just feels so crazy for getting so worked up and panicking in situations like that. When Harry enters the room again Louis feels out of breath once more, but for a totally different reason. Harry had changed his clothes – now in a white shirt with flowers on it, and the new leggings - and he looks so beautiful.  
  
Now, every once in a while Louis will bring home new, small, orange-colored bags for Harry, and the smile he gets in return is just as bright as it was the first time.  
  
\------  
*  
_“I don’t really know when it happened. At the beginning skipping meals was hard and then suddenly eating was a struggle, and after that keeping the food down became the main problem. The muscle pain and the never-stopping tiredness were the worst but I didn’t really care - I would have done anything to lose weight. I didn’t see how terribly underweight I was, and all I wanted to do was lose more and more because that’s what I saw in the mirror: fat, fat, fat.” Louis swallows, trying to keep himself from sobbing. “So I just kept going and going - not eating and exercising whenever I could - I couldn’t think about anything else other than the food and the calories.”_  
*  
\------  
  
“How about we buy her flowers?”  
  
“She’s my mum, Harry, there’s no need to charm her. She already loves you.” Louis hears Harry sigh and he wraps his arms around the taller boy’s body. “It will be fine, she likes you very very much already, but if you insist, we’ll stop by the flower shop on the way.”  
  
Harry smiles and kisses him quickly, “Thanks!”  
  
Four hours later they pull up in front of Jay’s house, a bouquet of yellow daffodils in Harry’s hand, just as she comes out to greet them.  
  
They spend the night snuggling in Louis’ old bed, whispering sweet nothings and sharing kisses.  
  
The following morning when Harry wakes up he can hear the girls’ laughter and the barely-risen sun tells him it’s still pretty early. He doesn’t go back to sleep but spends the time trailing his fingers up and down Louis’ body, just light enough to not wake him. He licks his lips and moves his head to whisper in the other boy’s ear. “I love you.”  
  
Second later he feels warm fingers fill the space between his cold ones. His whole body shivers and he presses himself closer to the body next to his.  
  
\------  
  
“Dear sixteen-year-old me,” Louis on the screen says.  
  
“I’d like to start with, I know how you feel. I know you think you are the only person in the world who feels this way, but you’re wrong - there are many, many other people who are facing the same struggles. I know you’re afraid to show who you are so you fake it. You fake confidence and happiness, and you are so frightened to let people know how you feel that you just keep it all in but believe me, you should be proud. You will learn, years from now, to love and accept yourself the way you are. You will learn to embrace your insecurities and convert your pain into strength. You’ve taken on a very hard road, and it will take you to the deepest hole that you will have to fight with claws and teeth to get out of, but you’re gonna do it. One day, you are going to stop obsessing over what you eat. I know that you don’t share what you feel, and that you lie about what you eat. I know that you spend every second of every day counting calories, planning your meals - all these sleepless nights, crying because the number on the scale just isn’t ‘low enough.’ You keep this secret deep inside of you, but one day you’re gonna get so sick and people will know. And I want you to hear that and remember it: They will know and they will still love you and support you. Well, you will lose some friends, but in the end the true ones will stay and they’ll really be the only ones you need. Then you’ll crave more; you’re gonna want to have somebody to love and you’ll want someone to love you back just as much. And you will find him. You will find the most amazing person in the world and you will fall in love with him. He will make you smile and laugh, and he will accept all of your insecurities and weird habits. And believe me, you’ll have lots of those. And, he’ll love you back. He’ll love you with all he has and he will make you feel like you can do anything you want. And, believe it or not, one day you’ll marry this guy.  
  
You have a very long and tough journey ahead of you. You will lose many friends and you’ll get hurt along the way, but you are going to make it. In the end I can promise you one thing - you will be happy.”

**Author's Note:**

> I’ll add my tumblr here when my name is revealed (and answer your comments) Please let me know what you think :)


End file.
